Elly,If Only You Were Here Right Now.

My dearest sister,Elly,

Yesterday our big brother Along married with someone he love.Of course life has change a lot,especially Papa,me and Aril.Aril right now is like Papa,has a responsiblity to take care his family.

Last few months,before Along get married,I've been thinking a lot about you,and Mom.I've been thinking if only both of you right now here with me,prepare for Aril's big day.I wonder that you'll be busy as me,especially our Along is well known with his ignorant attitude.In his final bachelor days he finally realized he is the one get married,not me.

Everything was fine,of course,things will be more excited if Aril's wedding happens in Malaysia.Especially to meet friends and family,not from far far away from our beautiful nation of Malaysia.Well,I'm ain't Malaysian anymore.But I miss Malaysia a lot,especially durians and ice-kacang.You of course will missing your favorite lemang.It's like you don't want to miss lemang in Hari Raya.

Dear Achik,

I still cry and guilty for what I've done to you.I can't control my anger.In my head I in that time there's only one I've ever think,why him?Why my ex who dumped me is the one that you chose to love?Well,he is no longer be with me,and I accept that fact,slowly I realized I must forget all these thing before I become 'andartu'.

Dear Achik,

You know that we have shared a lot.We shares dresses,foods,laughs,cries,everything.Just like mama told me,you and I were so close that no one could ever torn us apart.No one can break us,well I was wrong.He is the one,my ex boyfriend,and your one and only boyfriend break us apart.I don't want to blame him,I'm more to blaming myself.He deserved to be love by someone who really cares about him.Like you or his current girlfriend,Sue.Don't worry Elly,I knew Sue.She is a nice girl.She is capable to be his girl,to replaced you.

Dear Achik,

Our relationship since you've met and close with him is not good like before.Everything turns so sour.I've smashed your favorite Barbie dolls toy,I've shouted at your face,humiliating you in front of people,calling you "a retarded sister",the worst is when I threw plate and dishes to your face,and you're bleeding.No one can stop me.I feel superior.Your pain and agony seems a music for me.All because you've cross the line,someone that I love dumped me because of you,which I can't accept that.

Papa scared that I might killing you on that time.That's why Papa send you apart from home.But in the end,you've choked because of peanut salad,which you're not supposed to eat,and fate has come,you're on the path to meet God.

When the news arrives,Mama cries and didn't go out from her bed.For weeks she crying and never say a word.Sometimes the way she stares at me it's like I'm the one who killing you.I cry all night long thinking what I've done to you.Papa registered me into anger management course.

As the time passes by,as the memories go away,I realized that what else that I have right now,except our sweet memories as sisters.Just because a man,I almost kill you.

Few months later Mama passed away,and we buried her besides you.For taking care of you.The few weeks before she's gone,she told us that "she wants to be with Achik because Achik is a great daughter",Oh God,if only you know what I've felt right now.

Now Along already married.It's a right time for him to stands at his own feet.Me,I don't know.No one likes girl with Capoera and Muay Thai as her talent.While you,my sister,you're an angel in this house but since you're gone,this house were empty.

I could spend my days crying inside your room.Papa locked your room so I'll never depressed when I've thinking of you.As the day you've born,to the day you left me,you left me one thing to me-no matter how harsh I treat you,and no matter how I humiliating you,you always smile and love me as your sister.

I'm not a good sister.

Elly,if only you were here right now.