Justice For Elly/Justice For the 96.

I'm writing back on this blog again!Thank you for those who dedicates their sympathy and wishing to Elly happy birthday.Although she's no longer here,but she will never be forgotten.

And I'm also glad that Celtic FC legend David Moyes to kicked arrogant Rangers FC legend Alex Ferguson out of FA Cup tournament.For me,when Everton vs Manchester United,it's Celtic vs Rangers literally,because David Moyes was defender of Celtic,Alex Ferguson was striker of Rangers.

I hope it's not to late to wish to all Liverpudlians who lost their members of family especially when police mistakes is the reason for Hillsborough disaster.It's a morbituary neglect act by police.

Justice for the 96.

And I think my family's fate is same as those Liverpudlians,because of carelessness of somebody that holds responsibility with others life.Like 96 victims of Hillsborough died because of morbituary neglect,so does my sister Elly.

Justice for Elly.

I represents my family would like to say thank you to all of you to be with us whenever we need it the most.Thank you.Merci,grazie!

This Blog Will Be In Mourn Until April 19th.

In this lonely room I stares to the window,
With my wet eyes I look it in sorrow,
This pain and misery days without you Elly,
Every seconds and every day I never forget this honestly,
And every smiles and wonderful moments as the wind blow.

For every strength of you I have borrow,
And our glittered memories that glow,
I'm not a good sister,it's so badly,
In this lonely room I stares.

We've been together,high and low,
When in the dark,your heart will always glow,
My heart and soul dragged like a carriage it's painly,
No one could ever see this agony,
And the wind keeps to blow,
In this lonely room I stares.



When I'm sad you've asked me what went wrong,
And asking me to be strong,
How can I be so strong,
Living without you is something wrong.

-Nami on Elly's memoir,July 9th,2007.

Happy 22nd Birthday,Achik.

A week to respect my sister's birthday Sherina Ellyana.Within this week,all entries will not in usual form,"thoughts of mass destruction".

The title blog will temporarily changed to "Sherina Remembered".

I will wear black for whole week,and on April 19th,I decided not to online/Myspacing/going out.I want to spend my whole day inside her room.

Thank you.

Ez.

Elly,If Only You Were Here Right Now.

My dearest sister,Elly,

Yesterday our big brother Along married with someone he love.Of course life has change a lot,especially Papa,me and Aril.Aril right now is like Papa,has a responsiblity to take care his family.

Last few months,before Along get married,I've been thinking a lot about you,and Mom.I've been thinking if only both of you right now here with me,prepare for Aril's big day.I wonder that you'll be busy as me,especially our Along is well known with his ignorant attitude.In his final bachelor days he finally realized he is the one get married,not me.

Everything was fine,of course,things will be more excited if Aril's wedding happens in Malaysia.Especially to meet friends and family,not from far far away from our beautiful nation of Malaysia.Well,I'm ain't Malaysian anymore.But I miss Malaysia a lot,especially durians and ice-kacang.You of course will missing your favorite lemang.It's like you don't want to miss lemang in Hari Raya.

Dear Achik,

I still cry and guilty for what I've done to you.I can't control my anger.In my head I in that time there's only one I've ever think,why him?Why my ex who dumped me is the one that you chose to love?Well,he is no longer be with me,and I accept that fact,slowly I realized I must forget all these thing before I become 'andartu'.

Dear Achik,

You know that we have shared a lot.We shares dresses,foods,laughs,cries,everything.Just like mama told me,you and I were so close that no one could ever torn us apart.No one can break us,well I was wrong.He is the one,my ex boyfriend,and your one and only boyfriend break us apart.I don't want to blame him,I'm more to blaming myself.He deserved to be love by someone who really cares about him.Like you or his current girlfriend,Sue.Don't worry Elly,I knew Sue.She is a nice girl.She is capable to be his girl,to replaced you.

Dear Achik,

Our relationship since you've met and close with him is not good like before.Everything turns so sour.I've smashed your favorite Barbie dolls toy,I've shouted at your face,humiliating you in front of people,calling you "a retarded sister",the worst is when I threw plate and dishes to your face,and you're bleeding.No one can stop me.I feel superior.Your pain and agony seems a music for me.All because you've cross the line,someone that I love dumped me because of you,which I can't accept that.

Papa scared that I might killing you on that time.That's why Papa send you apart from home.But in the end,you've choked because of peanut salad,which you're not supposed to eat,and fate has come,you're on the path to meet God.

When the news arrives,Mama cries and didn't go out from her bed.For weeks she crying and never say a word.Sometimes the way she stares at me it's like I'm the one who killing you.I cry all night long thinking what I've done to you.Papa registered me into anger management course.

As the time passes by,as the memories go away,I realized that what else that I have right now,except our sweet memories as sisters.Just because a man,I almost kill you.

Few months later Mama passed away,and we buried her besides you.For taking care of you.The few weeks before she's gone,she told us that "she wants to be with Achik because Achik is a great daughter",Oh God,if only you know what I've felt right now.

Now Along already married.It's a right time for him to stands at his own feet.Me,I don't know.No one likes girl with Capoera and Muay Thai as her talent.While you,my sister,you're an angel in this house but since you're gone,this house were empty.

I could spend my days crying inside your room.Papa locked your room so I'll never depressed when I've thinking of you.As the day you've born,to the day you left me,you left me one thing to me-no matter how harsh I treat you,and no matter how I humiliating you,you always smile and love me as your sister.

I'm not a good sister.

Elly,if only you were here right now.

Kuala Terengganu,The Windy City.

First for all,I want to congratulate to Canadian ice-hockey team for qualify to final Ice Hockey World Junior Championship after defeating Russia.I even miss Celtic-Dundee United match for Canada.And I hope Canada will defeat Sweden tomorrow.

Well,I still remember when I was 14 years old,it's year 2000--the last time I went to Kuala Terengganu.The wind breeze,and I still remember my arwah sister Elly walk with me at Pasar Payang(isn't it?),looking for something,an unique attraction.

I still remember our family trip to Kuala Terengganu.Aril was there,my dad,me and both my arwah sister and mom was there.

Everything is so sweet to remember.

And there will be an election in Kuala Terengganu.

I guess I don't observe it much like I did when Permatang Pauh election last August.

And I change my subject for my thesis,at first I want to wrote about Anwar Ibrahim and opposition parties in Malaysia,but I finds out that there's nothing much to write about Anwar or Pakatan Rakyat.

I decide to write about Russian politics after Soviet Union,especially Vladimir Putin.He is the most sexiest politician in the world.

And right now he is bullying ex-Soviet like Georgia and Ukraine,and bullying Europe as well--raising up gas price to Europe.

But anyone in Malaysia I will like to listen anything from Kuala Terengganu.

I heard Maimun Yusof won't register herself at elections.Well,she is 89 years old.Mahathir retires when he was 78.

And I will remember Kuala Terengganu-just like I remember Elly walk with ice-cream and share with me,at Pasar Payang.

Achik.

Achik,

Tonight angah,along and abah has pray for you. We all recite Yasin and pray for your happiness.Abah told me,that you will be forever regarded if I stay this way.I know I should forgive myself,maybe I'm too emotional about it,maybe after what I've done to you.

Achik,

My life won't be easy without you.Once for a while,I keep thinking of you,glooming with my sins towards you,and i once said "life is better without you",indeed,it was.

Achik,

Before you gone,I saw myself as arrogant,selfish,ungrateful and always degrades people surrounds me. It's like build the tall wall so no one could invade my kingdom,but in the end it was no one inside it. It's empty.

Achik,

You're the one who has be patient towards my arrogant act. No matter what I've done,you still smiles at me. In your diary,you've wrote that I'm as your "greatest sister in the world",although I believe I never done anything good for you.I always make you cry,I always degrade you,I always cursing you.Achik,I just want you to know that no matter what,you are the best friend I ever had,the best sister I ever had,and life without you are miseryly empty,but like abah told me,life must carry on.

I miss you,Achik.

8th July 2008,a year after Elly's death.

Tuesday morning,wake up,and after breakfast,tea and scramble egg,my brother Shahril picked up his car key,with my dad,straight to Meadowlark Park,Calgary,where my sister Sherina and my mother Sophia has been buried there.Arrived there then,each steps remarks my grief and misery that I've been faced all this year.As I stares to her tombstone,without realizing it my tears drips,as my dad started to lifting up my spirit.All three of us then pray to God,that both of them will survive in their life after death.

Pain,misery and confusal still in my mind.Sometimes I started to be in denial,I denied that she never die,she still alive.The more I try to forgive myself,after a fight 2 months before she died,the more pain I've been faced.Now,a year after she left me,Sherina is still 'alive' in my mind.

May God be with you,Achik.

Sherina Ellyana.

I was 1 year 1 month when she was born.My mom(RIP) told me she's more harder to gave birth of Sherina than me,and since then,she was a center of attraction of the family.When she was 3 years old,it's an usual thing when she's stutter,but when she reached 7 years old,we know there's something wrong with her.

I still remember when first time my uncle meet her,and giving her a chocolate candy with the peanuts inside.She takes it,and when she ate that candy,she get choked,her face turns red and she almost can't breathe.We took her to hospital,and doctor told us that she's actually have allergy with peanuts,chocolates and etc.

When she was in Milan,she's a silent,shy girl,never speaks unless she need to,she's a typical Asian girl,even more.In contrast with me,I'm outspoken,and "Girl Power" spirit never die inside me.

Tomorrow,a year ago,I still remember the worst Sunday I ever faced in my entire life.My mom cried and she picked up the phone,my dad tried to comfort her down,while my brother Shahril were restless.I was confused,what happened?They told me that my sister died because of anaphylaxis shock,which according to Wikipedia as "the most severe type of anaphylaxis, occurs when an allergic response triggers a quick release from mast cells of large quantities of immunological mediators (histamines, prostaglandins, leukotrienes) leading to systemic vasodilation (associated with a sudden drop in blood pressure) and edema of bronchial mucosa (resulting in bronchoconstriction and difficulty breathing). Anaphylactic shock can lead to death in a matter of minutes if left untreated."She died in instant,without saying goodbye to us.

Yes,2 months before she died,I have a conflict with her,and because of that,I was the one who affected the most when she's gone.

And I know,even I put roses at her tomb,and no matter how hard I try to forgive myself for what I have done to her,I will never forgive myself.

Now my beloved sister,you and me,forever internity.

A poem for her.

Here I am,crippling myself on my knee

To hold my blisters and bleeding that i can't see

I'm crying in pain since you're gone

In a deep missing and misery i'm all alone

But I don't want you to know right now what happen to me.

I hold my sighs and cry so no one can see

But high above I know you can see me

Twisting my pencil and writing poems alone

Why you leave me so soon?

I hope there's a peace over there for thee

Even here it's turmoil and deeply agony

I'm standing still here beneath the stars and mourn

To feel the pain that you had alone

I'm here missing you and deeply in misery

Why you leave me so soon?

Home Sweet Home,Orange House.

21 hours of flight came to the end.Same route,departed at St Petersburg,and it was awesome city.City of Czars,people call them.There's some petition to bring back St Petersburg to be capital city of Russia,again.

Calgary quite gloomy when I arrived,perhaps it's going to rain soon.Arriving to my home,orange house,after what my brother has done after he fall in love with Dutch football.I was thought he paint our house red after Spain won European Championship.

Feeding my cats are such a therapy.When they eat,I'm missing my sister,who always feed them,this Tuesday,8th of July,a year ago she left me.

I'm going to miss her so much.This week I'm paying my tribute to my sister,Sherina Ellyana.